Transcript: (taken directly from Stan Freberg's book "It
Only
Hurts When
I Laugh" by Eric Hullquist )
SCROOGE: (SINGING)
Bah, humbug, everybody.
CHORUS: Good
morning, Mr. Scrooge!
SCROOGE: Well, the meeting will
come to order, if you please.
Are all the advertising people represented
here?
CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated
Cheese!
MUSIC: OUT
SCROOGE: Well, if they're not
here for the Christmas pitch,
I
can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas.
That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it
for
me!
CHORUS: Hear, hear!
SCROOGE: All right, Abercrombie,
what are your people up to?
ABERCROMBIE: Ahhh, same thing as every year. Fifty
thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself
with our product.
SCROOGE: Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I
think the public has come to expect that and . . .
ABERCROMBIE: That's right. It's become tradition!
SCROOGE: You there, Crass, uhh,
I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons
of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?
CRASS: Better than that! This
year we have him smoking one.
SCROOGE: Um-hmmm...
CRASS: Yes. We've got Santa
a little more rugged, too. Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo
on each arm. One of 'em says "Merry Christmas."
SCROOGE: What does the other one
say?
CRASS: "Less tar!"
SCROOGE: Great stuff!
CRATCHET: But Mr.Scrooge...
SCROOGE: What? Who are you?
CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir. I've
got a little spice company
over in
East Orange, New Jersey. Do I have to tie my product
in
to Christmas?
SCROOGE: What do you mean?
CRATCHET: Well, I was just going
to send cards out showing
the
three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem...
SCROOGE: I get it! And they're
bearing your spices. Now that's perfect.
CRATCHET: No,
no... no product in it. I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth...
Good Will Toward Men."
VOICES: MUMBLING IN BACKGROUND
MAN: Well, that's a peculiar slogan!
SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That
went out with button shoes! You're a businessman . . . Christmas
is something to take advantage of!
MUSIC: PUNCTUATES
SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon
to jump on!
MUSIC: PUNCTUATES
SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in
the arm for sales! Listen!
MUSIC: CYMBAL CRASH
CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
While
you can be enterprising,
Fa
la la la la la la la la.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Four bars of soap,
Three cans of peas,
Two breakfast foods,
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me. . .
SCROOGE: Five tube-less tires!
CHORUS: Fo-ur quarts of gin,
Three ci-gars,
Two cig-ar-ettes,
And some hair tonic on a pear tree!
(TEMPO CHANGES ROMANTICALLY)
Chest-nuts roasting. . .
ANNOUNCER: Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an
X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts
roasting.
Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied . . . longer
lasting!
This visible shell . . .
SOUND: KNOCK-KNOCK
ANNOUNCER: ...protects the nut! Now with X-K 29
added, for people who can't roast after every meal.
GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all
the way!
ANNOUNCER: Tin-y Tim's roast hot... like a chestnut
ought!
And..
. they are
(ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild.
ORCHESTRA: PUNCTUATES
CHORUS: Deck
the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
'Tis the time for merchandising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Profit never needs a reason,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Get the money, it's the season,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet!
CRATCHET: For you, maybe. Can't you just wish someone
merry
Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?
SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let
me show you how to make Christmas work for you!
CHORUS: We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And please buy our beer!
SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas
with a purpose.
CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute. Don't you
guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes
but once a year.
SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that
up.
That's
exactly the point I was about to make. Hit it, boys!
SCROOGE: Christmas
comes but once a year, So you better
make
hay while the snow is falling, That's opportunity calling
you!
CHORUS: Rub your hands, December's here,
What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry!
SCROOGE: Just so you're mercenary too!
CHORUS: Buy an ad and show all the toys,
Show all the toys up on the shelf
SCROOGE: Just
make sure that you get a plug, You get a plug,
In
for yourself!
SCROOGE AND CHORUS:
Christmas
comes but once a year,
So you better cash in,
While the spirit lingers,
It's slipping through your fingers,
Boy! Don't you realize
Christmas
can be such a Monetary joy!
CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never
change.
SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in
it, and they're both dollar signs.
CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin
with.
SCROOGE: Eh?
CRATCHET: The people keep hoping you'll remember.
But you never do.
SCROOGE: Remember what?
CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating.
SCROOGE: Well, ....... don't get me wrong. The
story of Christmas, in its simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy
that. It's
just
that we know a good thing when we see it.
CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a
significance,
a
meaning.
SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's
later than
you
think.
CRATCHET: I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know.
CHORUS: On the first day of Christmas,
The advertising's there, with
Newspaper ads,
Billboards too,
Business Christmas cards,
And commercials on a pear tree. . .
Jingles here, jingles there,
Jingles all the way.
Dashing through the snow,
In a fifty-foot coup-e
O'er the fields we go,
Selling all the way. . .
Deck the halls with advertising,
What's the use of compromising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
MUSIC: AS
TRADITIONAL HYMNS ATTEMPT TO BREAK THROUGH THE
MUSICAL ENDING, IT BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO. WE HEAR "JINGLE
BELLS" PUNCTUATED
WITH THE SOUND OF A CASH REGISTER
RINGING UP SALES. ON THE LAST NOTE OF THE MUSIC, WE
HEAR MONEY DROPPING IN AND THE CASH REGISTER SLAMMING
SHUT!
